i feel like im gonna fucking explode i hate everything and it feels like everything hates me the state i live in hates me the area of the country i live in hates me the laws hates me and i hate them all back everyday i wake up and feel horrible everytime i look in the mirror i feel horrible every second i live in this horrible body i feel horrible but i cant change it no no no my state wont allow that because i cant have rights if i want to be my fucking self no no no ive come out to my parents and yet they still call me by my deadname and use the wrong pronouns IN OUR OWN FUCKING HOUSE WHERE NO ONE ELSE WILL HEAR i feel like shit everyday i used to be so happy and carefree but the day i discovered my identity EVERYTHING WENT TO SHIT nothing i do feels like it matters and i feel like going fucking ballistic every second of everyday because of my fucking body that i hate with a buring passion and i feel it hates me too i cannot live like this anymore i need to get out of this fucking state and if possible the country i need to leave i need to every second i stay is another fucking eternity of despair and sorrow i have to leave i have to leave but i cant all i can do is jackshit and wallow in my own despair it feels so pointless i want to live as myself i want to be what i was meant to be since birth i want to be a fucking woman but i cant i fucking cant apparently because of hateful people that somehow govern the states and act like theyre helping people when all theyre doing is adding to the rising suicide rate of THEIR OWN FUCKING CITIZENS but they dont care because their identities mean nothing to them because they were raised by hateful people and i just so happen to have been born in just the right time to live through one of the worst times to be living as a queer person in america the president is a slimy scumbag that hires only yesmen to work under him and all those yesmen are horrible people that dont believe in a future thats good for all only a future that benefits them and their selfish lives while i waste away neglecting my own hygiene and health because of what these people have done and will continue to do sometimes i fucking forget the last time i showered and i feel like a disgusting creature unworthy of love because of it i cant stand this for much longer i need to leave this state i need to leave this country I NEED TO LEAVE it doesnt help that ive barely tried to voice train i tried once and got cold feet or got sidetracked or some shit i dont fucking know all i know is that im stuck in this fucking body till the day i rot if i stay in this place i need to leave i guess this is something of a confession but i dont know i just need to get this all out of my head but this wont do a thing probably screaming into the void does nothing for me everything stays the darkness in my head stays it clouds my thoughts making me afraid of being myself around people ive been a very closed off person in real live so much so that during christmas and birthday times people still gift me stuff that i was interested in when i was around eight or ten all because my parents make me feel embarrassed when i express liking something a bit anormal to them they joke about it once and that immediately discourages me and makes me close myself off more and its only once they joke once and never again but its enough to effect me i cant tell any of this to my parents or theyll blame themselves or ignore it or make it about themselves somehow or FUCKING SOMETHING I DONT KNOW i cant tell my friends because i dont want to burden them with all this or make them worry about me i just need a change of scenery i just need to leave i know everyone says its never too late to start hrt but i feel like im gonna fucking perish if i dont start soon it feels like my body is betraying me everyday and i need it to align with how i am sooner rather than later or else im gonna fall deeper into this pit of despair i need it so bad please someone help me please i cant stand it much longer im not suicidal im just in this dark abyss with no light anywhere and im endlessly afraid of not knowing if theres an afterlife of any kind im not scared of dead im scared of not knowing whats after death someone help.

Fuck Alabama.

-jane

please, i need someone to talk to: coattailsofadeadman on discord
be warned, im very shy and have trouble expressing myself through text
17 btw